Have you ever tried to grab a dollar bill that is falling with just your thumb and index finger?  Try it!  Seems easy, right?  Yet the bill seems to move just when you think you’ve guessed it’s next position in flight.  Maddened, you try again.  This time!  This time you’ll get it.  Yet the capture still eludes your concentrative pinch.  That’s a bit how life feels right now…I keep trying to figure out the path of it, but it continues to escape my mind’s grasp.  From an invisible virus to a very visible election.  From government lockdowns and quarantines to very unleashed riots and protests from all sides.  I try to grasp the falling bill of life but it lands untouched on the ground again.

In the midst of the chaos outside of my home I find that I try to grip control inside my home.  I find solace in a regular schedule, teaching my kids, keeping house, and putting things in place.  When my kids dismiss this desire by being well, kids, I frantically try to put everything back in place in order to appease the pandemonium inside me.  Yet it never seems to calm the angst of my heart.  Life out of my house and in my house continues to slip past my grasping grip.

I kept hearing people say they were glad 2020 is over.  I can only assume that they imagined 2021 could not be any worse.  Well it only took a few days to see this ideal crushed.  The chaos, anger, finger pointing, and disillusionment has continued.  The tumbling bill of life continues to plummet wildly!

In God’s providence we have been studying US history, Old Testament history, and catechism questions on the ten commandments and the Lord’s prayer.  We have studied why the Pilgrims came to America and how that affected the Native Americans who were already present.  We then moved to the Revolutionary War and how Samuel Adams was one of the first Americans to skew an event to promote the rebel’s cause in order to insinuate people to fight the abusive powers of the king.  We talked about Thomas Jefferson inheriting slaves and him not wanting to keep slavery going…yet he did.  Then we watched Hamilton and saw how an intelligent patriot lost the heart of the people due to a couple of really bad choices.

The Old Testament likewise, has shown us how there is no perfect leader…all of them have made huge mistakes that kicked them out of the garden, almost had their wife taken by another man because he told him she was his sister, got drunk and naked before their kids, sold a brother into slavery, had arrogance that kept them from the promise land, murdered a mighty man and took his wife, married women who led them away from the One True God, and resulted in a country being conquered, dragged away, and made slaves by Babylon and Persia for 70 years.  All along we discussed how they failed the rules and boundaries the Lord gave them for their own good because they thought they were wise in their own eyes.

What a disastrous history of this nation and world.  But the amazing thing is the HIS in HIStory.  We have often come back to the covenant that God made with Moses.  Back in the time of Mesopotamia and Sumer, covenants were made by splitting a bull in half and both parties walking through the split bull signifying that if either party breaks their part of the covenant, they would become like this bull…split open.  God made a covenant with Moses: Moses and his people needed to follow the commandments of God and God would keep them as His people, He would save them.  Then Moses split the bull.  But this is where everything changed.  God put Moses in a dream state and God alone walked through the bull.  He was showing Moses that He would keep both sides of the covenant.  And He did…and He Has.

What has this done for me and the kids?  Through this election and year we have talked about how there is no leader, family, or person who does everything right.  We all fall short of God’s standards.  These sins have very real consequences but they shouldn’t define us.  Being made in God’s image defines us, not our mistakes and sins.  We pay the consequences here on earth, but God ultimately paid the penalty for us breaking His covenant by more than splitting a bull, He sent His perfect Son who did obey Him perfectly to die a horrific death on a cross thereby paying the price of the covenant He made way back with Moses.  People in the Bible failed to be the hero.  The Pilgrims failed to be heroes. Patriot Rebels failed to be righteous heroes.  Presidents, governors, rioters, protestors failed to be the hero.  Only Jesus is.

I was writing this before church today but didn’t finish it.  As we drove, we listened to Shai Linne’s kids album and I was struck how he had a song that fit exactly what I was processing!  I’m just going to show you the last verse and chorus though.

If you notice when we read God’s Word today
The greatest saints have their flaws on full display
And it was written down for us in order that we may
Recognize that Christ is the only way
Adam ate forbidden fruit and lost his life
Abraham got scared and lied about his wife
Sarah laughed to herself when she heard God’s promise
Rebekah encouraged her son to be dishonest
Aaron used crafts to make a golden calf
Moses got mad, struck the rock with his staff
David sinned greatly- even lost his baby
And Jacob? He was just all around shady
The point is not to make light of our flaws
But to show that every one of us needs the cross
So as we read the Bible, it’s important that we see this
There’s only one hero and His name is Jesus

[Chorus]
Adam wasn’t good enough
Noah wasn’t good enough
Abram wasn’t good enough
It’s only Jesus
Isaac wasn’t good enough
Jacob wasn’t good enough
Joseph wasn’t good enough
It’s only Jesus
Moses wasn’t good enough
Joshua wasn’t good enough
Samuel wasn’t good enough
It’s only Jesus
David wasn’t good enough
Daniel wasn’t good enough
Jonah wasn’t good enough
It’s only Jesus

So as this year continues it’s spastic fall to the ground, remember, we will never be able to grasp it.  We weren’t made too.  We were made to trust the one who holds the whole world in His hands.

“Lord of Hosts, You’re with us
With us in the fire
With us as a shelter
With us in the storm
You will lead us
Through the fiercest battle
Oh, where else would we go
But with the Lord of Hosts”

I stood in the pew while the voices and foot beaters around me sung and stomped loudly enough to shake the floor.  I had never heard this song before but clearly my church had as the harmonies rose as well as the hands.  I was so enraptured I could only listen to this sung declaration.  This was over a year ago.

I got in my car today and played this song loudly.  I sang loudly but no one sang along or beat their foot with me.  The words of truth still brought tears to my eyes as I have thought about all the pain, sorrow, death, heart ache, and confusion going on in all my concentric circles: sailors dying horrifically and suddenly, covid, election hate, my kids wondering where their dad is, wearing masks so long that they get soaked from damp breath, realizing friendships come with risks and hating that they do, fires, hurricanes, and deaths worldwide.  It is so overwhelming that humor has become dark.  Things are funny that should not be funny yet our coping skills have reached the end of their limit.  I kept singing.

“Oh, God of Jacob, fierce and great
You lift Your voice to speak
The earth, it bows
And all the mountains move into the sea”

How can that be true?  It feels like the earth is breaking, not bowing and the mountains are rising against us rather than moving to the sea.  We have yet another mask and gathering mandate to meander through which is causing our one day at school to be limited and probably our gym as well. It’s more than school and the gym though, it’s the loss of community again that leads us to weariness and depression. Can I believe the truth I’m singing?

“Oh, come behold the works of God, the nations at His feet
He breaks the bow and bends the spear
And tells the wars to cease

Oh, mighty One of Israel, You are on our side
We walk by faith in God who burns the chariots with fire”

Today I need to be reminded of God’s character.  I need to sing loudly even if I’m alone in my car…that He breaks weapons of war, He has the leaders of the nations in His hands (even our unknown one).  We can read the history of how God has rescued this unassuming, small nation of people through millennium of war, sin, and brokenness time after time after time.  This group was not guiltless of sin, it was not made up of spectacular people, it fought with itself, it was conquered and overcome many times, yet God lead them out of the wilderness every time.  After the author of Hebrews reminds us of all the faith heroes of the Old Testament he then says in 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”  We have leagues of people over many millennium cheering us on through all the chaos of this sin cursed life.  If God proved powerful and faithful for them, how can we not trust that he will be the same for us today?  Haven’t I seen His power and faithfulness in my own life, haven’t you?

“Though oceans roar, You are the Lord of all
The one who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still
Though the earth gives way, the mountains move into the sea
The nations rage, I know my God is in control
Though oceans roar, You are the Lord of all
The one who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still
Though the earth gives way, the mountains move into the sea
The nations rage, I know my God is in control”

“I know my God is in control!” I declare loudly behind my damp mask.

Can the gospel really be the answer?  Can it really be the answer for everything from Covid-19 to social injustice?  From marital matches to parenting pains?  Is it really that simple and succinct?  Or are our fractions and anger bubbling up from a different well?

I’m trying to teach our kids how to study the Bible for themselves, so this week, I used Annabelle’s quiet time book as a guide.  She would read the scripture, and together the rest of us would answer the questions and write it down.  The book instructed us to look at the curse from Genesis 3.  I began by helping them to think about where the passage is found in scripture: “Where is the book of Genesis in the bible?”  The first book.  “Good.  What happens first?”  God created everything! “Right!  And how did He make all things?”  He made them GOOD!  “Perfect.  Then something happened…what happened?”  The snake tempted Eve!  “That’s right!  He caused her to doubt God’s goodness by saying, ‘Did God really say…?’ As she chatted with the serpent, she decided to trust him instead of God and believed that God was keeping something really good from her.  Have you guys ever thought me and daddy were keeping something good from you when we say no?”  YYYYEEEESSSSS!!  “Of course.  From your perspective we are robbing you of some joy, but from our perspective we are keeping you safe from the world or yourselves.”

“Ok, now that we know where we are in the Bible, let’s look at what happened after Eve ate the fruit and shared it with Adam.  What does verse 7 say?”

Annabelle read, “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked.  And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (After funny looks, I explained what fig leaves and loincloths were.)

“So, what happened?”  They knew they were naked!  (Giggle, giggle.)  They made underwear out of leaves.  “Good.  Why did they want to cover themselves?”  They felt ashamed and guilty (I worked this out of them).

“Then what happened?”

‘They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden…and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord…the Lord God called to the man and said to him, Where are you?” (vs 8-9)

“If God knows all things and sees all things, why did He ask Adam where he was? Why do I ask you questions?”  So we can come up with the answers ourselves.  “Right!  God was showing Adam that their perfect, unashamed relationship was broken.  It’s gone, never to be the same again.  He asks Adam more questions to have Adam admit his sin.  But guess what Adam did?  He blamed Eve and God Himself! ‘The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.’  Did the woman admit her sin?”  NO!  “Who did she blame?”  The serpent!  “Yes!  This began the blame game that continues to this day.  We blame others for our sins instead of confessing our sins and asking for forgiveness, don’t we?”  Sideways glances and awkward smiles of agreement.

I then drew really bad pictures of a snake, a woman, and a man and as we read the verses, we listed the curse that God put on each subject.

• Snake:
  • cursed of all livestock and beasts (who likes snakes?)
  • move on belly
  • eat dust
  • Snake will bruise “His” heel, but “He” will crush the snakes head
• Woman
  • Pain in childbirth
  • Have a desire to rule over her husband
  • He will rule over you
• Man
  • The ground is cursed, it grows thistles and thorns
  • Work will cause sweat, its hard now
  • You will return to the ground/dust

There is so much in there.  We spent awhile dissecting this, but I will simply say, do you see the gospel in the mess?  In all of the messiness and pain of the curse…there are a couple of pronouns thrown in that change it all!  “HE” and “HIS”!  The woman will have babies and there will be grandbabies and grandbabies until one is born that will crush the serpents head.  A kill shot.  Despite the fact that Adam and Eve did all the disobeying and doubting God’s goodness, God promised them a rescuer, one that would come and destroy Satan forever.

“OK guys, almost done…what was the next thing that God does?”

Annabelle reads again, “And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.”  Yuck!  He covered them in skin!  “Yes, how did he get the skin?”  He had to kill an animal.  “Yes guys!  Something had to die to cover their sin and shame.  The first sacrifice.  The animal died in place of Adam and Eve, it’s blood was spilled for something it didn’t do.  And that blood allowed Adam and Eve to live, for their guilt to be covered.  In the same way, who died for us to cover our sin?”  JESUS!  “YES!  Jesus was the final sacrifice, the serpent crusher, the one who made a way for us to gain the relationship with God that Adam and Eve lost for all of us!”  I paused…I let that sink in for them…but mostly for me.  That is the good news, that is the gospel.

Is the gospel enough for the sin in this world?  Can Jesus’ death be the big answer for rebellion, hatred, greed, pain, sorrow, bad cops, infidelity, disobedience, sickness, loneliness, discontent, addictions, lies, and murder?  Jesus’ death is not enough.  If He is still in the grave, that is not good news.  But He’s not!  He rose again!  He beat death and the curse for all time.  Him coming out of that grave shows that we now have access to the Father in a restored relationship again.  He satisfied the penalty of death that sins gives.  Those that trust in Him will walk with Him again, unashamed, sinless, and perfect.

Today we feel and see the pains of sin, it’s real.  And because we are hit in the face with it every day we often doubt God’s goodness.  But God is good, because even in the midst of this horrible curse, He made a way for us to be forgiven eternally.  The gospel really is the answer.  It restores broken people like us and should propel us in our thankfulness, to love our neighbors as we have been loved.

It’s amazing how teaching the kids how to study the Bible actually taught me.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the word, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”  John 3:16-17

“Did you meet my mother?”

I was running with a biking Ronnie on Saturday afternoon.  We were on our way home from a four mile break from being inside all day.  We were a bit ahead of Barrett and Lydia who were in the same format as us.  His questioning began with, “How do babies get inside Mommies’ bellies?”  God puts them there.  “How did Annabelle get in your belly?”  God put her there.  “And was daddy in his Mommy’s belly?”  Yes.  “Was I in my Mommy’s belly?”  Yes!  “Did you meet my Mommy?”  No buddy, I didn’t.  But she loved you very much.  “I really miss my mommy.”  What do you miss buddy?  “Her face.  I wonder what she looks like.”  I know what she looks like.  “Really?”  Yes!  She looks a little bit like you and a little bit like Lydia.  “Oh.  I remember her.”  What do you remember?  “I remember her talking to me and playing with me.”  She really loved you buddy.  Do you remember how we read about mom’s and dad’s that couldn’t feed their babies?  “Yes.”  What did they do?  “They gave them to the monastery so they could have a place to eat and sleep.”  Yes! Your mom did the same for you, she loved you enough to let us take care of you.  “Did you try to find her?”  Yes!  They looked for her for four months but couldn’t find her.  “Oh.”  We hope to take you back there someday.  “Really?”  Yes!  “Good.”

“Do you miss my brother and sister?”

Annabelle asked this the day after Barrett read her a book called, The Moon is Always Round.  It was how to talk to your kids about a miscarriage.  I thought it was about going through difficult times…not specifically that.  After he read her that book, she asked him if I ever had babies die.  When he said yes she cried so loudly I could hear her downstairs.  He comforted her and told her to talk to me in the morning.  That morning was Tuesday…three days later.

“Did you name them?”  No baby, I really didn’t know what was going on and was too sad to think.  “Did my brother and sister go to science?”  No baby, they wouldn’t do that without asking us.  “What did they do with them?”

I sat in silence.  I never thought through this questions before.  And how could I tell her they were probably thrown away?  These questions made wonder why I never had thought through these questions before.  I felt heartless.

Baby, I was so sad I just didn’t ask.  “I miss them.  I bet they would be really happy to celebrate my birthday with me.”  Yes, they would.  “Will they be in heaven?”  I don’t know how that works honey, but I know that God is good.  “When I get to heaven I’m going to ask everyone if they have seen my brother and sister.”  You’ll know them immediately.  Do you know that God works good things out of bad?  No one could ever replace those twins.  Ronnie and Lydia are not replacements, no one can replace them, just like no one can replace you.  But, we may never have had the joy of Ronnie and Lydia if those twins were born.  We might not have had the joy of you either if they were born.  Do you know that I shouldn’t have been born either?  My mom had a miscarriage too and if that baby survived, I would have never been born…so you would never be born and our family would not be here.  We grieve over death, all death, but stand in awe of how God made so much good out of so much heartache.

Silence.  I think we both took in the moment and got lost in thoughts.  The feelings of waking up from my surgery and weeping filled my soul.  The loss crushed my spirit.  I didn’t know how to process what had happened and how life could go on.

You know what Annabelle?  “What?”  I learned that it was OK to be sad when the twins died.  “How?”  I thought Christians always had to be happy and I could not make myself happy.  That’s when one of my pastor’s called and said he was so sorry…and I could hear his sobs on the phone.  That opened the floodgates of my tears and made me realize that death is sad and we should grieve.  “Do you remember them?”  I’ll never forget them, but God has made me able to go on and not live in the sadness of the past.  “Oh.”

These were quite a few powerful days for me.  Conversations I didn’t expect to come so young.  It has really made me realize the dance of sorrow and joy.  How death precedes a new kind of life.  I realize this is not a new idea but sometimes it hits me like an anvil.  I’m in a Bible Study that focused on Christ’s life, death, and resurrection this week.  (I don’t believe in luck.  I do believe in Providence and a God who knows all things…including what conversations I would have this week.)  Jesus is the ultimate example of how death brings life.  How sorrow brings joy.  I think of all the disciples who sat silent, stunned, and scared on Friday…and Saturday…and most of Sunday.  Lost, confused, angry.  All their hopes and dreams were dead.  What they thought would happen, didn’t.  Crushed.  Silent.

Then Sunday happened and Christ resurrected conquering death!  Adam’s curse was broken!  Jesus is alive!!  The disciple’s jaw must have dropped, their eyes bugged out, and their heart exploded in joy and wonder!  Their despair turned to euphoric joy.  Beauty from ashes.

Ronnie and Annabelle (and me), were really faced with the sadness of the curse.  But this week reminded me that Jesus came to ultimately do away with this unbearable grief, loss, and confusion.  Jesus paid the consequence for all our sins so in heaven there is only joy.  No sadness, death, or confusion.  Our questions will all be answered there and every tear will be wiped away.  Praise the Lord!

How is it April already?  Life has been turned upside down, I realize that this is not just my reality, but everybody’s!  Barrett was coming home, then delayed, then coming home again.  When he did come home, we were in a stay at home state for the covid virus.  So all the huge homecoming events were cancelled and we had to stay in the car and wait for him to come to us.  Kind of a drive-through-pick-up-your-sailor event.  Except the drive through line took three hours.   The excitement and joy was still palatable and we are still so elated to have our sailor/tickle monster/Disney dad home!

We had planned a “hunker down at home” weekend when he got back anyway, so staying in was not too much of problem.  He has met a lot of my new friends via zoom and I hear of his trip through pictures and stories.  But mostly he just wrestles, nerf guns, and terrorizes the kids to their delight.  We’ve managed a couple of family kick ball games and soccer keep away drills as well to keep us moving and grooving.

I’ve always said I’ve been through or experienced most natural disasters: volcano, tsunami, earthquake, typhoon, hurricane, and tornado.  Now I can add plague.  This is a weird one.  All the others brought a loss power, water, and even transportation, but this is the first where  all of these necessities are available, but the community is not.  It was the community in the tragedies that suffered along with us. They helped us through the hard times.  We would gasp at the destruction, laugh at the random things remaining (like a deck of cards in a house that was destroyed by a tsunami), hug each other when reality set in, and be inspired by the way the Lord used horrible events for good.  Our common struggle brought out the best in so many of my communities.  Then came the plague.

As a homeschool mom our daily activities were not rocked too much.  We miss kicking the kids out to play for hours after work was done, sports clubs, and the Y, but we have managed to still go outside and exercise.  Then the random stuff happens.  Lydia and Ronnie were playing and Lydia slipped and landed on her mouth.  This once again gave me the opportunity to say words that make me cringe, “Lydia, open your mouth.”  Blood lined her teeth and filled her mouth.  Her tooth managed to slice a flap of her lip open making my legs go weak.  I hid my fear and calmly held a tissue on her flap to see if the blood would end.  My thoughts:

“Oh man, I can’t take her to a hospital.”

“Even if I could, no one can watch my kids with this social distancing thing.”

“If it does need stitches, will the ER actually see her in any sort of normal length of time?”

“Will we get covid there?”

“I don’t have masks.”

Repeat.

“Lydia, let me see your mouth hun.”  The bleeding had stopped.  Praise the Lord.  The flap was a veritable flying lip flag, but I knew that the mouth heals fast so I rested in that.  Then came dinner.  As she ate the flap got angry and bled a little more.  Blast.  I still held it together and told her it would be better tomorrow.  I prayed with her and told her she was so brave.

The next morning was better.

Then I noticed that Annabelle was losing a lot of hair.  Like, A LOT.  It filled her brush and fistfuls came out as stroked it.  Her clothes were full of it.  I waited a couple of days to see if it was for real.  Then I looked it up online and asked some doc friends what I should do.  All of it was fixable but I needed to see a doc first.  Again, all the internal mental fights of social distancing, being in a doctor’s office with no mask, and the fear that it might actually be a sign of an uncurable disease, all run through my head.  We went.  Turns out she is dealing with a combination of too much stress and eczema…and possibly a fungus.  Now I have to go shopping for oil treatment for her hair as well as fungus.  Again, no mask, wondering what’s ok to touch, should I hold my breath when passing people, do I really need to firmly grasp a cart?  No one smiles, everyone moves out of everyone’s way.  If we come too close, we get a look.  The community is lost.  So is the humor.

The Craig problems are really small compared to so many families who have loved ones fighting the covid fight in a hospital, clinic, or grocery store.  In the midst of our serving others by staying at home, we try and think of ways to serve others…to find out how to have community with social distancing.  The love your neighbor mandate has taken on a whole new look during this time.  Zoom has created Brady Bunch fun in many ways, from family to school, from gymnastics to Sunday school, and from bible studies to prayer groups.  Isn’t it funny how this generation has created a reality where no community is needed, but when it’s taken away, that’s all we really want?  Why is that?

The Lord made us for community.  He made us to do life with others for our good.  Community is where we share our troubles, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice, get called out on our sin, sing, encourage, process out our lives, laugh and learn.  It’s where we realize we can’t do life alone, we need each other to help us in our fitful journey of life’s pits.  Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to neglect to come together, but to encourage each other as the day of Christ is coming (loose translation).  So, how can we encourage each other when we are together?  To remind each other that our hope is not in a covid 19 vaccine, of course we pray for one, but it won’t ultimately save us.  Our hope is not that the economy will begin again sooner rather than later, although we can pray for that too!  Our hope is that we have a rescuer that saved us from something even more deadly than covid 19, He saved us from our sins!  How profound that God permitted this shut in to happen during the week of Jesus’ death and resurrection.  Our hope in death, is due to His substitutionary death on the cross.  He took our sin for us, God turned away, the curtain separating God and man was torn in two, and the sun went dark.

But He didn’t stay there, the ground shook and couldn’t hold Him!  He rose again on Sunday proving He has power over more than covid 19, He has power over death!  Oh community!  Encourage each other in this!  Your sins can be forgiven when you trust in Christ!  And just wait, there’s more!  This same suffering servant is coming back!  He’s coming back again to throw satan away for good!  No more tears, no more sadness, no more lost jobs, no more lost retirement, no more missing saying goodbye to a loved one with covid, no more losing another patient…Christ is coming back as the conquering King!  He wins!  Over all!  This is good news community!  There will be no more plagues, earthquakes, tsunamis, tornados, floods, volcanos…and no more sin!  Christ the Lord is risen today!  Hallelujah!  I can’t wait for my life to be turned upside down because of this!  What about you?