Already But Not Yet

We are living in the already, but not yet tension of moving. Our house is now occupied by another, our furniture is in California awaiting a boat and a plane, our jobs are over, but we are not yet in Japan. I find myself in waves of emotions and instability. The church and work/school family that were my sounding board and constant encouragement are now moving on and reconnecting with their new people…which they should…but we don’t have our new church or community yet to connect with. Thankfully we are staying with family but we all know it’s temporary so no roots are being grown and we also don’t want to interrupt their lives too much either. It’s a weird time. I often hear Annabelle saying she doesn’t want to move to Japan, it’s too hard. I get it.

In the midst of this upheaval, I have realized that once again I moved my identity away from being In Christ to being a teacher, a military spouse, a member of Emmanuel Baptist Church, and a mom. How quickly I find joy in what I’m doing or where I go to church and allow that to identify me rather than being a child of the king, forgiven, chosen, loved unconditionally by the Savior. Living in this in between tension, I have lost this newfound identity in what I’m doing and where I go to church and find myself wobbling on a tightrope of who I am. With no job, no church, no community, who am I? Where do I turn? The wobbling increases as I look down, not at the fixed point.

There is a part of me that wants to stay in this tension. To not look toward Japan as an answer to re-finding my identity in what I do. I know that my identity is in Christ, yet I so quickly take my gaze off of Him to what makes me feel worth something on earth. I often ask myself, “If _______ is taken away, will I be OK? Is Christ enough?” I’d like to say, “YES!” But the feelings of emptiness I have right now show me I still struggle with that being a reality. Yes! I want Christ! But I also want to feel worthy because of something I do or something I’m involved in. Perhaps waiting in this tension will help strip this pride of life away.

As I tell myself to look at the Savior, I realize that His entire time on earth was living in a tension of already not yet. He was the Savior but had not yet been crucified. His eyes were on calvary, but He placed them on the people His Father gave him on earth. He is God, yet He was living as a man. Once again, I am awed at how we serve a God that has been tempted in every way that we have yet did not sin. He understands living in this already not yet tension of looking ahead but having to live in the now. He even asked His Father to take the cup away from Him when the suffering was at it’s peak, yet he walked His tense tightrope with eyes firmly fixed on the Father when He said no. I pray I will fix my eyes on this Savior in this already not yet tension, the one who stops my tightrope from wobbling and will always be enough.